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Mother's Day/Transcript
Brent Leroy: Hey, maybe this is what I should get my Mom for Mother's day. Hank Yarbo: You sure she wants to run her own business? A flower stand seems like a lot of work. Brent: Yeah, right. Maybe just some flowers, then. Hank: You'll be glad I talked you out of this. Man, flowers are expensive. Well, I think Mom's worth it. Brent: She did raise me from a...25 bucks! What a rip! Forget this noise. Flower Guy: What can I get you fellas? Hank: Oh, just the stand, thanks. Karen Pelly: Look at this mess! Davis Quinton: Pass me the garbage. Karen: You can't throw out police reports. Davis: I know that now. Karen: We need to get a cabinet or something. Davis: Or do less reports. Karen: Oh, come on. I could drive to the City. We could get a hutch. Davis: Now you're talkin' my language. Karen: You know it has nothing to do with Starsky and Hutch, right? Davis: What is it, then? Emma Leroy: By the way, dinner's at six on Sunday night. Brent: Sure you don't want me to cook? It is Mother's day. I should make dinner for you. Emma: Oh, thanks. But I'm really not in the mood for macaroni with mushroom soup on top. Brent: I've expanded my repertoire beyond that. I crush crackers up on it now. Hank: Ah, Mother's day with your Mom sounds nice. It's too bad my Mom's not in town. Oscar Leroy: Yeah, too bad. Hank: Yep, just me, in my house, all alone. Oscar: Look, jackass, you're not comin' for dinner. So you can pull your hint wagon into the station. Brent: Hint wagon? Oscar: Like a wagon load of hints. Brent: I would have gone with Hintenburg. Hank: Still, it's pretty sad. Me, all by myself. Emma: Hank, do you want to come? Hank: Ah. Well uh, I'll see if I can clear my schedule. Lacey Burrows: So what are you going to do for Mother's day? Davis Quinton: Well, I don't celebrate it. Lacey: I hear ya. It's a bit of a racket. Davis: No. I just lost touch with my mother. My parents split up not long after I was born and she moved off to Winnipeg and joined some rock group. Lacey: Oh, Davis, I'm so sorry. Davis: For a long time, I didn't know. There was this woman around the house, I just assumed she was my Mom. It turns out she was the cleaning lady. Lacey: Davis, I've never heard this before. Davis: Oh, yeah. There's women out there, you pay them, they'll clean your whole house. Lacey: I, I meant about your mother. This must be an expecially hard time for you. Davis: Oh, sorry, what did you say? Lacey: I said it must be an expecially hard time. Davis: Hey, guys, listen to this. Say especially, again. Lacey: Expecially. What are you laughin' at? Okay, do I have something on my face? Davis: Uh, yeah, expecially right there. Wanda Dollard: Swedish Super Store, huh? I love that place. That room with all the balls is a blast. Karen Pelly: Yeah, I bet your kid gets a kick out of it. Wanda: Yeah, my kid. So, what are you getting, the Floomtorp cabinet or the Flurnbjorn side table? Karen: I just need a hutch for the office. Wanda: Oh. Well, then I'd go for the Hüggengaven. Or the Plütz. Though the Yagenplütz is better. Karen: You know a lot about this stuff. Wanda: Yeah, I like putting it together. It's like a big puzzle, like a mathematical equation, a delicate, elegant riddle, that requires a wrench. Karen: For you it's a riddle with wrench. For me it's a headache in a box, a nasty Swedish headache. Wanda: Do not mock the Swedes. The Swedes will not be trifled with. Karen: Are you Swedish? Wanda: I wish. Geniuses. Look, I can put it together for ya. I do have a knack for it. Karen: I'm impressed. Wanda: Yep. And yours should look just like this one when I'm done. Store Clerk #1: Here's your Yagenplütz. Karen: There must be 9,000 pieces in here. Wanda: Ah, relax. You don't have to use all of them. Karen: Hey, Lacey. I got a Yagenplütz. Lacey: Well, don't do it in here. Karen: No. No, no. It's like hutch, from the Swedish Super Store. Lacey: Oh, like the kind you put together. Karen: Yeah. It's surprisingly easy. Wanda: Davis, have you seen the instructions? Davis: No. But these cartoons are really funny. Look, he can't get his furniture together. Wanda: Those are the instructions. Davis: Oh, he's calling the store. Karen: Especially when Wanda does it. Lacey: What did you just say? Karen: Especially when Wanda does it. Lacey: Now you're making fun of me too. Karen: What? Lacey: Davis told you I can't say that word, so you said it as a joke. Karen: What word? Lacey: Expecially. Karen: That is funny. You know, if you want to get Davis back, he can't wink. Lacey: He can't wink? That is pretty lame. Karen: Expecially lame. Well, now that I know, it's hard not to make fun. Brent (phone): Hey, Mom. Happy Mother's day. Emma (phone): Thanks. Listen, I moved dinner up tonight. Can you come at five? Brent (phone): But I work till five. Emma (phone): Oh, I didn't take into account the rush hour traffic. See you at 5:01. Brent (phone): But I kinda wanted to stop and pick you up something special beforehand. Emma (phone): Oh, I don't care what you bring. Just come. And don't be late. Lacey: I can't explain right now, but if Hank's behind me, wink. Davis: He's behind ya. Lacey: Shh-shh. He'll hear ya. Just wink. Davis: Are you trying to make fun of the fact that I can't wink? Lacey: Hey, everybody, did ya hear that? Davis can't wink. That is so lame. Davis: Why are you being so mean? Lacey: I'm not being mean. It's just a little quirk we should be making fun of you for. Hank: I think it's sad that Davis can't wink. Lacey: Oh, come on, it's funny. It's like how I can't snap my fingers. Davis: You can't snap your fingers? Hank: Hey, everybody, Lacey can't snap her fingers. Davis: That is so lame. Emma: Oh, great. Now it's overcooked. Your father forgot to take the roast out of the oven. Oscar: I didn't forget. I fell asleep. It's different. Brent: Well, I'm sure it'll be great. Mom's cooking's always fantastic. Oscar: Suck-up. Emma: He's just being thoughtful. I still have those oven mitts you gave me last year. Oscar: Well, they didn't save your precious roast, did they? Emma: Brent always gets me nice things on Mother's day. Brent: Well, I kinda dropped the ball this year. Emma: I'm sure whatever you got me it'll be great. Brent: I didn't get ya anything. I ran out of time. Emma: You've had a year. Brent: I thought you said you didn't care if I brought you anything. Emma: I said I didn't care what you bring. I wanted you to bring something. Oscar: Oh, I'm likin' this. Emma: I mean it's Mother's day, for crying out loud. Hank: Hey, guys. Sorry I'm late. I had to stop and get some flowers. Emma: Oh. Hank: The guy wouldn't sell me the stand. Brent: Check this out. It's hilarious. Here's Mom with a beehive. Lacey: Her hair looks the same. Brent: No, behind her there's a beehive, and the bees are stinging Dad. They're not stinging Mom, though. Bees know what time it is. Lacey: So what's with all the family photos? Brent: I'm gonna surprise Mom by organizing one of her old photo albums. See, here's Dad falling down. Here's Dad being stung by bees. This section is just kinda miscellaneous injuries. Lacey: That's nice. Brent: Well, she did raise me. Lacey: You didn't get her anything for Mother's day, did you? Brent: It's Hank's fault. He bought her flowers. Lacey: What a jerk! Brent: I know. Lacey: I meant you. Oscar: Uh-oh! These are Emma's prize tomato plants. Davis: Okay. But I can only take you as far as the next town. Oscar: Let's get movin'. Emma: Can you believe what he did? Davis: Too late. Now, Emma, it was an accident. No need to go crazy, now. Emma: Nothing. Is that what I'm worth, nothing? Nice way to treat your mother. Davis: Emma's your mother? Oscar: Wait, I think she's talkin' about Brent. Emma: I've never been so disappointed and humiliated. Oscar: That could be either of us. Emma: My own son, forgetting me on Mother's Day. Even Hank brought me flowers. Hank. Oscar: Wow! She didn't even notice the tomatoes! Davis: Still want me to run ya out of town? Oscar: No, I want to see how this plays out. But stay ready. Karen: Aren't you finished yet? Wanda: Almost. Karen: Good. Wanda: Now, step two. Karen: Step two? How long is this gonna take? Wanda: Hard to say. The Swedes are a cagey bunch. The Yagenplütz is a marvel of modern engineering. Karen: It's a box. Wanda: Whoa, whoa. With legs. Karen: Maybe I should do this. Wanda: Slow down, hotdog. Rome was not built in a day. Karen: I bet their hutches were. Oscar: No, you don't understand. I ran over her tomatoes and I'm still here. Brent: Well, I'm glad me screwin' up could help you out. Oscar: It's not just you screwin' up. It's you screwin' up and Hank suckin' up that's formed some kinda magic sweet spot. I'm flyin' under the radar. These are the best days of my life. Brent: Yeah? Well, your joyride of destruction isn't going to last long. Check this out. I'm gonna eclipse Hank with this and get back in Mom's good books. Oscar: Yeah? Well, if you think I'm going to stand around and let you be nice to your mother, think again. Brent: You are so self-centred. This isn't about you. It's about me. Wanda: You'll be glad to know that I'm about halfway...oh. Karen: Yeah. Listen, I, uh, had some time and I kinda got on a roll. Wanda: But I said I'd do it. Karen: You were taking too long. Wanda: Well, these things are finicky. Karen: I didn't find it finicky. I didn't encounter a single finick. Wanda: Yeah? Well...look, the panel's loose. Karen: That's the door. Wanda: Exactly. The door is loose. Karen: Yeah. So it can open. Wanda: All I'm saying is, is that you don't want it to open too loosely. It might take an eye out. You know, if you don't put these things together right, they can really fall apart. Karen: What are you doing? Wanda: Damn, those Swedes are good. Lacey: It's harder than it looks. Brent: No, it's not. It doesn't even look that hard. If you want to get back at Davis, he can't do that. Lacey: Why would he even want to do that? Brent: Well, it's the Vulcan salute. Lacey: Well, I'm sorry, I can't do it. Brent: You can't do that either? Man, you are lame. Lacey: Yes, I can. But I won't because every time I try and poke fun, people think I'm being mean. Brent: Well, suit yourself. What do you think of this picture for the cover? Lacey: Oh, look at you and your chubby little cheeks. Brent: Are you calling me fat? Emma: You sure you don't want to come to town? Oscar: No, I'm spent. I might have a nap. Emma: Okay, then. Oscar: Come with me, jackass. Stand here. Emma: Hank, how thoughtful. Hank: Oh, I, I didn't do anything. Emma: And modest to boot. Oscar: Boy, Brent would never do something like this, huh? Emma: Brent. Oscar: Yeah. Karen: What are you doing? Wanda: Fixing it. It had some flaws. Karen: There were no flaws. I built it perfectly, flawlessly. Davis: Refresh my memory. Did I start caring about this? Wanda: You see this piece, Davis? It snapped right off into my hands. Davis: Isn't that somethin' that I don't care about. Karen: But you broke it! Wanda: It's an insult to the people who invented the smorgasbord. Davis: Just to recap, don't care. Just get a new piece, and pick up some more of these funny cartoons with the triangle nose guy. Look, he's got a question mark above his head. Lacey: The one where your Dad falls down the stairs should come after. Brent: Oh, right, so it builds. Hank: Hey. I think I'm in the middle of somethin'. Brent: Yeah? So are we. See ya later. Hank: I mean in the middle of you and your parents. Oscar just pretended that I weeded Emma's garden for her. Brent: That wily coyote. Lacey: Should I be following this? Hank: This is because of Mother's day, isn't it? Brent: Yeah. But I'll set things straight by surprising Mom with this. Then she won't care about you anymore. Hank: Well, that's nice. Lacey: Emma's coming. Emma's coming, Emma's coming, Emma's coming! Brent: Well, hold it together, woman. Here, hide these. Hank: What? Where? Brent: I don't care. Just don't let her see them. Hank: Check. Lacey: Hi, Emma. Emma: Hey, Lacey. Nice to see you. Brent: Hi, Mom. Emma: Brent. Brent: Look, I know I did a stupid thing, but I'll make it up to ya. Emma: Oh, you don't have to do anything. Oh, wait. You already did that. Lacey: Emma, I really think you're gonna like what Brent's making for you. Emma: Well, I hope he makes me a great big nothing, because then I'll have a matching set. Karen: Sold out? But we need this piece. Store Clerk #2: Sorry, ma'am, no Yagenplützes in stock. It's a popular unit. Wanda: Geez, those Swedes are good. Well, I hope you've learned your lesson. Karen: Yeah. Never let you assemble my furniture. Reassemble my furniture. Reassemble my pre-assembled furniture. Wanda: You can't even assemble that sentence. Karen: Well, feel free to break a couple words off it. Wanda: Hey, wait. Check it out. Karen: Yeah. He is kinda cute. Wanda: No, not him. Behind him. Karen: A Yagenplütz. Wanda: We could get the piece from the display unit. We could just take the piece that we need and geez, he is cute. Lacey: Okay, two sandwiches and one soup coming right up. Oscar: And make it snappy. Emma: Oh, come on. Don't be mad. It's just fun. Oscar: Yeah, snap out of it. Davis: Okay, easy. Emma: Yeah, she might snap. Lacey: That's it. You know what Davis can't do? Davis can't do the Vulcan V thingamajiggy from Star Trek. That's right. Mr. Sci-Fi Geek can't do the Vulcan V thingamajiggy. So simple, so easy, so Vulcan. What, what, why are you laughing? Davis: The Vulcan V thingamajiggy. It's called the Vulcan salute. Oscar: Even I know that. Lacey: Well, at least I know where my mother is. Davis: You're terrible at this. You don't make fun of something sad. Lacey: I'm sorry. Davis doesn't know where his mother is. She left when he was very young. Oscar: Well, that is kinda funny. Davis: No, it's not. Emma: Oh, come on. Lighten up. Lacey: She left to become a rock star. Oscar: Really? Lacey: And for the longest time, Davis thought that the cleaning lady was his Mom. Emma: Oh, that's hilarious. Oscar: "Mommy, why are you always cleaning the toilet?" Emma: "And why are you only here on Wednesdays?" Davis: It was Mondays. She only came on Mondays. Brent: Okay, I need those pictures back. Where are they? Hank: I buried them. Brent: You buried them. The thought of hiding them in the truck or behind a couch never occurred to you? Hank: Behind the couch is the first place she'd look. Don't worry, I know where they are. Hank: Okay, I know they're in this field. Brent: You might want to dig a bigger hole. Hank: Heh, dirty pictures. Brent: Okay, that's the fourth time you've made that joke. Go look out for Mom, and don't bury her. Hank: Check. Oscar: Hey, Hank. Hank: Hey, guys. Emma: What are you doing? Brent: How'd you get past Hank? That might be the stupidest thing I've ever said. Emma: Why are our family photos caked in mud? Brent: It's Hank's fault. Oscar: Typical. Blaming good old Hank, when you're the problem. Emma: These are precious photos. Brent: No, you don't understand. Hank buried them. Emma: Why? Brent: Because I told him to. Oscar: Good old thoughtful Hank. Brent: It was supposed to be a surprise. Emma: Yeah, I'm surprised, all right, surprised at how selfish and boneheaded you can be. Oscar: Not like nice old good Hank. Brent: Who are you, the Hintenburg? See how that worked? Oscar: Hank's great. Wanda: Oh! Easy. Easy does it. Karen: Stop it. Just keep watch. I can do this myself. Wanda: Nice doin' it yourself! Store Clerk #2: Excuse me. Is there a problem? Karen: Nice keeping watch. Store Clerk #2: Did you break that? Wanda: No. She did. Brent: There's two ways we can fix this. I can do something nice for my Mom or you can do something crappy. If you're my friend, you'll do something crappy to my Mom. Hank: But... Brent: If you're my friend, you'll do something crappy to my Mom. Hank: But I don't want to do something crappy to your Mom. Brent: If you're my friend... Hank: Okay. Stop saying that. I'll do it. Brent: Ha-ha. Sucker. I mean thanks, friend. Hank: Ah-ha. You caught me, dumping garbage on your lawn. Emma: Just look at these. They're ruined. Oscar: You can't even see the bees stinging me anymore. Emma: Why would he do this? Hank: Yeah, this... Brent (phone): What do you mean they didn't notice? Hank (phone): They were goin' on about all those photos you ruined. Brent (phone): That I...! Okay, listen. Just go back and dump more garbage. And this time make sure they're paying attention when you do. Hank: Okay. Hey, guys. Can you go stand out on the front lawn in about 15 minutes? Brent (phone): Where are you? Hank (phone): Your folks' house. You wanted your Mom to know it was me, right? Or, uh, was that supposed to be a secret? Brent? Brent? Hank: Hmm, hung up. Can I borrow some garbage? Karen: I can't believe we had to pay for a second hutch. Wanda: The Swedes will not be trifled with. Well, at least it's all over now. Karen: Hey, aren't you supposed to be at work right now? Wanda: Aw, Brent won't notice. He's pretty busy doing other stuff. Brent: Could I at least have some gloves? Emma: No. Category:Transcripts